On Dead Beat Dads: Men Do What They Want

Kenyan social media has been abuzz with the news of the emergence of a Facebook page ‘Dead Beat Kenya‘.  If you haven’t heard about or viewed it, it’s basically a name and shame page of (mostly) fathers that haven’t taken responsibility over their children. The posts are put up by the women who’ve had these so-called dead beat dads’ kids, and come with the dead beat dads’ pictures and even telephone numbers.

The existence of the page has elicited all manner of reactions. There are those who think it’s entertaining, those who are appalled by it and think either the women are too desperate  or can’t believe how irresponsible the men mentioned are. There are also those who are wondering if there’s any truth to it as some women could be using the page to get back at men that have scorned them as well as those who are looking to see if they know anyone mentioned…

Looking at the popularity of the page and the heated conversations it has started, child support is a big issue. Absentee fathers isn’t a new trend. I have many friends that have never known their fathers or if they knew them it was from a distance. It’s easy to simplify a complicated issue like this one by saying that people should simply use contraceptives. That is all good for the future and does nothing for the situation at hand. The children have been born. They are here. They require support. What happens now?

I don’t think mulikaing these irresponsible fathers is going to solve anything though. It may force them to take financial responsibility because of the external pressure (read shame) it fosters but is that all a child needs from their father? The society shouldn’t let men sire offspring all over the place and bear no responsibility. That is unacceptable. Men need to learn to take responsibility. And no, you weren’t trapped. Unless you were forced to have sex (which would amount to rape), there was the possibility of having a child. If you don’t want to have a child by a woman, don’t have sex with her. Simple.

Of course, women must take responsibility for the men they sire children with. If he’s a bum, he will continue to be a bum. The truth is you cannot force a man to do anything that he doesn’t want. Unless you have a gun to his head, that is. If he doesn’t want to be in the relationship, his mind will not be changed because there is a child involved. It’s not the child’s fault and a child deserves the love of both parents but if the man doesn’t care, there’s nothing you can do about that.

The best advice I have ever received on men is that men do what they want.   If a man wants to take care of his child, he will. If he wants to see his child, he will. If he wants to be in a relationship, he will. If he wants to spend time with you, he will. If he wants to take care of you, he will. If he wants to call you, he will. If he wants to be with you, he will. If he doesn’t want to, he won’t. Trying to manipulate him will not change the fact that he doesn’t want to do something.

The worst thing a woman can do is to tie up her sense of self-worth with the acceptance of a man. It will end up killing you. If he doesn’t want you or the child you have together, it has nothing to do with you. How many ‘good women’ get cheated on out here? The man doesn’t want you because you’re not what he wants. It doesn’t mean that you’re not worthy or want-able. You are. Just not to him. The minute he finds the woman he wants, you’ll be hearing how he’s spoiling her, rushing home to be with her and if they have kids together, he’s there for them.

So don’t waste another second trying to show a man why you deserve his love. You’ll get exhausted and be broken apart trying to prove a point that doesn’t need to be proven. Stop. It.  If it’s a matter of financial provision for the child, you can follow up but don’t kid yourself that he’ll come to love the child. Hold your head up high and carry on. There are way too many irresponsible men walking around and if you got mixed up with one, face up to the facts and move on.  You’d rather be alone than with someone that you have to force to be there. Or save your energy for a man that actually wants you. A man does what he wants. It is what it is.