DeathIf I die today
I wonder what they’ll say?
I wonder what they’ll write
On my headstone.

I have often thought about death. In as much as it’s not a particularly pleasant thing, it’s a reality that must be faced. Sometimes when I think about it, I wonder what people will say about me when I’m no longer here to comment. There are those who are superstitious and say that by speaking of Death, I am inviting him to come. I don’t believe any of that. If he wants to come, he will come whether I speak of him or not.

“Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors.”

I laugh when I think of the reaction to my death. Granted, my family would be heartbroken. Perhaps one or two friends would be sincerely broken up as well. For the majority, I think they’d be more shocked than sad. Perhaps because my death would remind them of their own mortality.

The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I’ve had just enough time…”

The tweets would come in fast and furious. “Mwende Ngao has passed away.” “Wait, is that mwendesusu? Oh no! I knew her from twitter.” “Gosh what happened to Mwende? “She was good peoples.” “The good die young.” People will write on my Facebook wall too and the huge number of posts will make it seem like it’s my birthday.

Depending on how I go, the reactions will vary. If it’s a car accident, they’ll speculate if any drunk driving was involved. “Don’t drink and drive guise. Take a cab.” If I was sick , they’d speculate what disease this is that did me in. “Guise, if you feel sick, please don’t ignore it.” If (God forbid!) I committed suicide, the shock would be palpable and suddenly everyone would become an expert on depression. “Guise, suicide isn’t the answer.” “You can get help!” “How is it that none of her friends saw that she was depressed?” “Depression is terrible but why kill yourself?” “Suicide is selfish!” It would then probably degenerate into an exchange of insults and perhaps even influence an interview of ‘experts’ on The Trend (Yes, I think that highly of myself. Deal with it!) with an in depth analysis of how I took my life and the days and even weeks of my life before then and the lack of mental health support in Kenya.

A penny for my thoughts, oh, no, I’ll sell ’em for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin‘.”

Maybe they’ll be beautiful tributes and people will say how awesome I was. “She was a beautiful soul.” Maybe there’ll be those who’ll dismiss my death as just one of many and wonder what the hullabaloo is about. “She’s not the first to die.” Perhaps blogs like Ghafla would dig up my tweets and Facebook posts or even this blog post and write a post titled, “Read the last disturbing words from Mwende Ngao before her death!” Maybe there’ll be many people at my funeral and they will cry and maybe even those who have been terrible to me will feel a tinge of guilt. I don’t know. I can only speculate. I won’t be there. If I was, I’d ask them why they didn’t say all this to me when I was alive. Why should it matter now that I’m dead? I can’t hear them anymore.

Gather up your tears, keep ’em in your pocket
Save ’em for a time when you’re really gonna need ’em.

I don’t know when or how I will die, but I have made peace with the fact that’s inevitable. I just hope that God will be kind to me. At the same time however, I question why I should be granted kindness in my death yet so many have died in agony. Therein lies the truth. I am not special. I am one in many. If I live to be 100, that’s great. If I die today, that’s sad only because I would have wanted to do and experience more. So I live everyday with the reality of death at the back of my mind and push myself to do better, be better. I will love those I love with all my heart, pursue my dreams, take risks and hope to live and leave with no regrets.

So put on your best, boys, and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done.

mwendeMwende saysdeath,depression,drunk driving,facebook,Ghafla,suicide,twitter
If I die today I wonder what they'll say? I wonder what they'll write On my headstone. I have often thought about death. In as much as it's not a particularly pleasant thing, it's a reality that must be faced. Sometimes when I think about it, I wonder what people will say about...