A Portrait of Depression

I can’t breathe. Is this normal?

I didn’t know that lucid dreams were not experienced by everyone. I’ve been having them since I was 6. The first time it happened, I was in the middle of a falling dream. I could feel my heart pounding as I got closer to the ground, but then a curious thing happened, and I realized I was in a dream and I willed myself to fly. It’s a handy skill to have to be able to direct my dreams especially when I’m in the middle of a wonderful one. Sometimes, it helps with nightmares. Other times, it makes my sleep paralysis even worse because I am aware I am in a dream before I am aware I am awake but cannot move.

Work is stressful. I can’t breathe. Relationships are stressful. I can’t breathe. The news is stressful. I can’t breathe. Leaving the house is stressful. I can’t breathe. When did breathing get so hard?

Have you prayed about it? Have you fasted over it? Rebuke that spirit.

The same feeling I have when I’m tipsy and on a dancefloor completely uninhibited, is the same feeling I have during praise and worship. It’s the feeling I have when I’m in love and walking on air or when I’m having a good laugh with my friends. I feel safe, seen, wanted. You know what makes religion work? It’s not the promise of a wonderful afterlife especially when the here and now is underwhelming. It’s the community. It’s the feeling that you matter to someone. It’s the feeling of believing that you are not alone in the  universe.

It’s also why it doesn’t work. Because if you find belonging in this community and you are ostracized or you are not allowed to speak of your pain because why hasn’t the blood of Jesus healed you and where is your faith, it can destroy you. Depression has no place in a child of God’s heart. Touch his hem and be healed. I did and I’m not, so now what?

Have you hydrated? Have you exfoliated? #Self-care.

I drink water like I’m being paid. It’s not even a health-conscious based decision. I sincerely love water. You know how people open the fridge when they are bored? That’s me, except I drink water. When I still lived at home, my mother would complain about the amount of water I was consuming because we had to buy, or boil water and I was making it expensive. I get that now. I use up tokens boiling water because I prefer it boiled and warm. I rarely drink cold water and even then, it’s either a really hot day or I just finished working out.

Speaking of working out, I’m trying yoga. It’s so much easier on my knees than running and I don’t experience that awful lung burning that comes with willing yourself up a hill. How is that supposed to be good for you? All I can think about in that moment is how I’m going to drop dead and be a meme. Well, at least my skin and hair are cooperating. I always feel better as a size 10 and I’m sure as soon as I drop the weight I’ve added, I’m going to get over this.

I should be getting way more likes than this.

I need to get better at posing for pictures. My posture is terrible, and I don’t understand why my fake smile looks like a goat in the middle of chewing grass. #Fail. Maybe I need bikini photos. After I lose some weight though.

I have this fantasy that I will get rich from doing something (I don’t know what yet, maybe one of my businesses) and I will go off the radar. I mean delete all my social media. Okay, maybe not delete but personally not run my accounts. I will have someone do that for me and I can move to the beach or a farm, somewhere with fresh air, and spend my days cooking, reading books, learning an instrument and writing bedtime erotica for women.

I don’t know why people call so much. You could text. It’s so much easier to just text.

Anthony Bourdain killed himself. That’s sad. Oh okay, now everyone he was to interview for his Kenya segment is telling us about it. I’m bored.

What do you mean I have to wait one year before therapy or counseling sessions are covered? 

“Why are you here?’’

“I don’t feel so great. I think I’m depressed.”

“Why do you think you’re depressed?’’

“I can’t sleep. Or eat. I’m lethargic. Can barely work.”

“How long has this been going on?’’

“On and off for most of my life. But recently it’s been a few months.”

“Have you had any suicidal thoughts?”

“Not yet.”

“Has there been any major change that has happened in your life recently? A death?”

“No death. Well, I did go through a hard breakup.”

“That’s probably it. I don’t think you’re depressed. I think you’re just heartbroken. And from looking at your age, I’m not surprised. You should be out there dating and not wasting time here.”

I’m cold. Are you cold?