Let’s be honest, there’s something about Nairobi that sets it apart from the rest of the cities in the world. I’m convinced it’s the air! Once you inhale it continuously for at least a month, you begin to exhibit symptoms I attribute to the mad Nairobi disease… The longer you take it in, the more diseased you are! You do the strangest things and even worse, expect and condone this strangeness from others! Then and only then can you begin to call yourself a Nairobian.

The following are examples of Nairobians in action!

  • Rip-off- I will withhold her name but if you live in my hood, you definitely know her. She owns a certain shop that is quite popular with the residents and no it’s not coz she has amazing stuff but coz she’s centrally placed… So the lady that shall not be named takes advantage of this and sells her goods at almost double the price… Last week however, she outdid herself! I wanted to buy the smallest omo to wash my socks. Everyone knows it’s 5bob a packet and it’s standard coz they are promotional. But no… she wants to sell them at 10bob… Everyone knows she’s an expert at ripping us off but we still buy stuff from her coz it’s tiring to walk to the next shop! Madness! 
  • Overload-If you have especially travelled in a route 48 mat then you know exactly what I mean. The kanges are magicians! How else would you explain their ability to fit 20 passengers, some well-endowed, in a 14 seater matatu? They can’t take all the credit though. A true Nairobian is an acrobat hence their ability to be the 20th passenger in the said matatu! This is all supported by the society of blind policemen who only see at lunchtime… Madness! 
  • WHAT?-I have never understood why some Nairobians scramble for buses or mats when it’s clear you will all get a seat! In fact most of the time, there are extra seats left. That’s a small issue compared to the utter inconsiderate behaviour of starting to board a bus or matatu before those that are getting off have gotten off! Last Sunday, a lady getting on a bus I was on epitomized just that! She refused to move from the doorway to allow those who were alighting to pass and they had to squeeze past her. All the while the lady was holding onto the door as though her life depended on it with her wig clutched tightly in her palm! Yap, her wig fell off as people squeezed past her! And yes, I laughed my head off! Madness!
  • Aggressive marketing-you see something nice and before you’ve even thought about whether to take a good look, someone and then someone else have started selling it to you.”Madam hiyo  top ni kali sana! Come nikuuzie…” You pick it up and you agree it’s nice. “Jaribu.Kujaribu ni bure. Wacha nikushikie bag.” You try it on and it fits but you aren’t sure if it looks good. You wish there was a mirror around. Then they appear out of nowhere just when you’ve finished having the thought. Human mirrors everywhere telling you how amazing you look.”Mambo baad madam! ayayaya! Cheki, iyo nguo ni yako! Usiiasche!” You end up buying it and something else! LOL! But of course after some serious bargaining… How else will they know you’re a Nairobian and not a tourist?! Madness! (Look out for the shopper’s guide to Nairobi. Coming soon on this blog!) 
  • Shootout-Not funny but funny how shootouts occur in the CBD in broad daylight! To be considered a true Nairobian, you must have the agility to drop to the ground in a micro-second when you hear gunshots!  A good example being yesterday. There was a shootout along Wabera street at around 4pm. I had just left Doormans with a friend and just when we’d got round the corner, “kudishnyao! kudishnyao!” Funny, everyone on the street stood still and then it’s like we all realized at the same time that those were gun shots we were hearing. What followed was dropping on the ground(it looked like it was choreographed the way it was synchronized!) and a mad rush into buildings to seek shelter. My friend and I got into a Safaricom shop and to be honest I went as far as going into the manager’s office(an Asian lady that was quite understanding) to hide.;-) Luckily, the gangsters were caught or rather surrendered… As soon as it was over, I ran the opposite way unlike the level 10 Nairobians who ran towards the scene… Madness!
    Feel free to share any more examples you have of the Nairobian species!
    mwendeMwende says
    Let's be honest, there's something about Nairobi that sets it apart from the rest of the cities in the world. I'm convinced it's the air! Once you inhale it continuously for at least a month, you begin to exhibit symptoms I attribute to the mad Nairobi disease... The longer...