5 reasons why I can never be president

The presidency seems to be an ambition of many people world over. There have been coups and assassinations all in the name of it. While others have believed in the ideals of leadership and worked to be fairly voted in by the people, others have shed blood and used all manner of underhanded tactics to just bear the title and enter the annals of history. It’s a coveted title and with good reason.

I remember in my standard 5 class there were three kids that wanted to be president. The trend is repeated every year with a number of the top students after the KCPE or KCSE results are announced proclaiming proudly on television that they wish to be president when they grow up. There is a romanticism associated with being the president and particularly in Kenya, this romanticism translates into a fairytale affair where the president seems to wield the power to transform the face of the country with his (and hopefully one day her) unwavering wisdom and courage…

I have never wanted to be president and still don’t want to be, but in a world where the presidency can be thrust upon you and you must reluctantly accept it (for the sake of the people), I never say never. I have mulled over the possibility of becoming president and I have decided to prepare myself just in case. It has therefore come to my attention that I would struggle due to some issues…

1. I have personal space issues: Honestly, I don’t like to be touched by strangers and  I’m also claustrophobic. So having a bunch of bodyguards constantly flanking me on either side is a suffocating thought.

2. I can’t go to the loo when someone else is there: How do you go no 2 with someone else standing in the vicinity? I wouldn’t be able to. I’d be flustered thinking about them thinking why I’m taking so long or knowing in intimate detail how my erm waste smells.

3. Having your diary created by someone else: I do terribly with schedules. The timetable was a wretched creation. I vowed when I was done with school I would be in charge of my own time. The president can’t randomly go anywhere and has to stick to a diary.

4. I hate photos: It’s probably because deep down inside I think I’m not photogenic. I’d probably drive other world leaders and dignitaries crazy because I’d ask for a photo to be taken several times to maximize the chances of getting a good shot of me.

5. Crazy motion sickness: Have you ever seen how fast the presidential motorcade goes? That’s as close to flying a car can go! I can hardly keep my guts down in a speeding matatu. I would need a bodyguard to hold a sick bag for me, but at that speed that may prove to be messy…