Adulting is a Scam: Self Care as Defiance

Sometimes, I think back to my childhood and I wonder if I would warn that happy little girl of what was to come if I could go back in time. I wouldn’t say I was the happiest girl in the world; that title would have to go to one of my chidlhood best friends. We have since lost touch as so happens with most childhood friendships, but I think of her bright smile and hope she still wears it today. What I remember the most about my childhood was the freedom. I had so much time to explore and experiment that I would sometimes stop to lie down, overwhelmed by the sheer wonder of it all. I spent hours writing stories to share with my class and even more hours reading my favourite books to the point my mother had to create a rule that there was no reading allowed at the dinner table or in the bathroom. Everything was shiny and new and I met life with unbridled joy and curiousity.

Fastforward to adulthood and life has done what it has done. Cynical isn’t the word I’d use; maybe jaded. It did not happen on purpose, this stripping away of joy. I just realized that life wasn’t all it was cracked out to be and adjusted my expectations accordingly. Some of this jadeness started when I was a teenager and I told myself that it’s because I was not in a position to do anything about it but that when I became an adult, everything would be okay because I would be in control and have some power over my life. In a way, I think most adults looked forward to adulthood because of the perceived power and control over our own lives we thought we would have, only to get there and realize it’s one big scam.

Adulting is a scam. I know that there are a couple of people who would camp in that sentence to go on about how we millenials (the generation that is currently at fault for everything wrong with the world) are too sensitive and need to toughen up. I would beg to differ. I think we are the most abused generation considering the current world status on economies and politics. We are the most educated but have the least jobs available to us and those with jobs are underpaid and overworked and is it then any wonder that we are unwilling to follow the road paved by the generations that came before us?

My happiness as a child was the reponsibility of other people. I went into adulthood, like most people, thinking that that would still be the case. Some of us realize that it is not but sadly, a number of us get stuck in the expectation and disappointment loop and keep waiting to find people to make us happy. I am thankful that after a lot of trial and error, I realized that I and only I, am responsible for my happiness. No one else should and can make me their number one priority except me and I should carry that responsibility as seriously as possible. Of course this does not excuse in any shape or form the exploitation of oppressive systems or the abuse of fellow human beings but it’s a call to take ownership of our lives.

Self care has been touted as a cure for the ugliness of life. It has even been marketed in magazines and wellness centres. I don’t accept or practice it in the way some of these outlets have presented it. Self care is not selfishness or self centredness. It is not apathy or indifference. Self care is the realization that you matter. That your health matters. That your peace of mind is important. That you are worthy of goodness and love and happiness. That you are capable of greatness. That you are mortal and must take care of yourself. That you are allowed to be human and show your humanity. That it’s okay to falter and you are learning and growing. That it is okay to reach out for therapy and relationship advice. Self care is also doing the work required to be self aware and self actualize which requires a whole lot of reflection and working on yourself.

I don’t remember how it happened but I remember waking up and being aware of myself and suddenly wanting to be gentler with myself. I took up yoga and meditation and began to cut off any unnecessary negativity from my life. I started to watch what I ate and work out and not because of any pressure from beauty standard bullies, but because I wanted to be healthy. I started to pursue friendships and relationships with people who thought I was amazing and thought I was worth investing in. It could be a function of age but I don’t even have FOMO anymore. I am at peace and happy with myself.

Self care is especially important as a woman. The pressure is nauseating and being able to slowly ease myself away has been life changing. To choose my own definition of happiness and to pursue it may seem like a simple act, but it an act of defiance. I choose myself. I choose my own happiness. I reject a perfomance of life that requires me to suffer, give up my dreams and deny my humanity. Life is still difficult but I refuse to let that define my life. There is more to life than amassing wealth, following a script to happiness and death. It is the child in me telling me that I am worthy of more.