Thoughts on the Week #8 – Confidence

I used to beg for space. I was the girl that would apologize and explain myself before I shared an idea. Yes, I know that may sound strange to a lot of people that know me because I come off confident and even intimidating (this is always funny to me coz I don’t see it). Truth is, my confidence is an amalgamation of research and a refining of skills. I am confident because I’ve done my homework and feel competent enough to meet the challenges presented to me. When I am not quite sure of something, my confidence isn’t as strong.

Watching especially my male acquaintances, I learned that their confidence didn’t come from knowing what they were doing but just a sense of competence they had in them. This sometimes can lead to them boldly making false statements or flawed arguments with the confidence of an expert in the field even though they really know very little or even nothing on the subject. I suppose it is part of the upbringing men are given where they are told they can do anything and given the free rein to do so. Have you ever argued with a man about directions and he insists he is not lost even though you clearly are? Men are more confident to go after jobs they aren’t qualified for and pursue opportunities with a self-assuredness I can’t help but admire.

Girls are reined in when they are young to keep them from getting hurt (women apparently bruise easily) and to teach them to be respectable ladies (unlike some of the ungovernable shameful women out there). There’s a seed of self-doubt that is planted in little girls that grows into a forest of impostor syndrome. Half the time, I can’t believe I am where I am doing what I’m doing or that people are listening to me. I still struggle with congratulating myself for a job well-done and I am incredibly hard on myself when I fail or drop the ball. I am learning by watching how the men do it. I shake things off now and go after opportunities. I’m still not as bullish or as self-assured as I would like, but I’m getting there. I’ve already taken the first couple of steps by asking more for what I want, refusing to shrink back in a room I could shine in and taking up as much space as I need and not apologizing for it. Looks like I am ungovernable after all.